Auntie Pan Pan’s Horrorscopes
So, this came in email the other day…which I find funny since I’ve done this before but online years ago…
‘Dear Auntie Pan Pan – If my astological sign was a cheese?What would it be?’
Signed “A” in Orange.
Oh yeah. That’s a keeper.
So without further ado
Aries – Limburger – Because your texture is rough , sticky and needs some extra scrubbing.
Taurus – Swiss Cheese – Because you think you are holier than thou.
Gemini – String cheese – because you love ripping crap up.
Cancerian – Brie – because you think you are the queen of all the cheeses.
Leo – You are the ultimate nutty cheese loaf that can only be found during the holidays. Tasty but fleeting.
Virgo – Sliced American Cheddar – because you’re happiest wrapped around your meat and slapping it inbetween two buns.
(I’m talking about a hamburger, pervy-o ! )
Libra – Havarti – Sweet, irregular, odd, semi-hard, and gooey… Also complimentary to nuts.
Scorpio – Cream Cheese – Because You’ll spread out onto ANY surface.
Sagittarius – Gorgonzola – Just because you like saying the word.
Capricorn – Goat Cheese – No seriously. You are Feta. Salty and tastes better underwater.
Aquarius – Gouda – Your taste intensifies as time passes… also no one exactly is sure what the purpose of Gouda is used for…
Pisces – Bleu Cheese – Because you are always melancholy and crumble easily.
Bonus points zodiac moments:
Aries: Sing Proudly: “Whaat a friend we havve in CHEEESES!!!” OH YOU WERE THINKING IT! Come on.
Cancerians: Can’t I be Mozzerella for making pizza to match the shape of my butt? Those moon babies definately have a well defined moon shaped bootie.
Well that’s me for this week.
Love, Auntie Pan Pan
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…And I banter online almost constantly.
If you want to contact me via mail:
P.O. Box 11581
Santa Ana, CA 92711