Auntie Pan Pan’s Horrorscopes

So, this came in email the other day…which I find funny since I’ve done this before but online years ago…

‘Dear Auntie Pan Pan – If my astological sign was a cheese?What would it be?’

Signed “A” in Orange.

Oh yeah. That’s a keeper.

So without further ado

Aries – Limburger – Because your texture is rough , sticky and needs some extra scrubbing.

Taurus – Swiss Cheese – Because you think you are holier than thou.

Gemini – String cheese – because you love ripping crap up.

Cancerian – Brie – because you think you are the queen of all the cheeses.

Leo – You are the ultimate nutty cheese loaf that can only be found during the holidays. Tasty but fleeting.

Virgo – Sliced American Cheddar – because you’re happiest wrapped around your meat and slapping it inbetween two buns.

(I’m talking about a hamburger, pervy-o ! )

Libra – Havarti – Sweet, irregular, odd, semi-hard, and gooey… Also complimentary to nuts.

Scorpio – Cream Cheese – Because You’ll spread out onto ANY surface.

Sagittarius – Gorgonzola – Just because you like saying the word.

Capricorn – Goat Cheese – No seriously. You are Feta. Salty and tastes better underwater.

Aquarius – Gouda – Your taste intensifies as time passes… also no one exactly is sure what the purpose of Gouda is used for…

Pisces – Bleu Cheese – Because you are always melancholy and crumble easily.

Bonus points zodiac moments:

Aries: Sing Proudly: “Whaat a friend we havve in CHEEESES!!!” OH YOU WERE THINKING IT! Come on.

Cancerians: Can’t I be Mozzerella for making pizza to match the shape of my butt? Those moon babies definately have a well defined moon shaped bootie.

Well that’s me for this week.

Zenhugs Zenhugz

Love, Auntie Pan Pan

Be sure to please subscribe to my stuff – I post Horrorscopes every Thursday.

…And I banter online almost constantly.

If you want to contact me via mail:

T.J.Teer
P.O. Box 11581
Santa Ana, CA 92711