What I Really Want

So after having a really long time to reflect on where I want to be in my life. I figured out why I get so damn confused.

I have always loved Iowa. I love the green lushness, the mellowness of the surroundings, the fireflies. I also have a special spot in my heart for Illinois – I would be lying if I said ” Oh. I hate Illinois. ” granted I did say it a lot when I was there. But that was because I was feeling forced to live there without a partner. Having a life partner kind of changes the rules for everything. I also love Colorado, too. The vibe of people and the vast spaces.

Then there is California. My home. I love California so very much…granted it is too expensive to live here? But it has everything!

When my partner and I for the last three years have tried to figure out and discuss where I want to live and have a home? I tense up and I end up getting flustered because all these places have such great qualities. I have a living in Illinois budget – but we need to stay in California. I refuse to go back to apartment/tenement living and I cant afford some sort of huge house that I would have to clean.I get so mad and flustered because I want to visit my sister and family in Arizona, but to rent a car to drive out is expensive for a deposit. To rent a car nowadays the deposit can cost more than the actual rental itself. When I lived in Illinois over a decade ago now, I had this same problem: I miss California-but I like the calm…then it dawned on me why I was so indecisive.

I’m a traveller.

I come from a line of travellers

(A person who likes to travel).

I am a root foot with the soul of a free foot person. Who has gotten locked into and denied her own souls and dreams due to her mother’s fears and anxieties. If I had been my mother I would have never: gone to Vegas this year, New Orleans with my friend Krista, moved back to California, ect.

Some people ask me ‘when were you the happiest’ or ‘what is one of you happiest memories?’ And I always go back to a picture I have of when I was 19 or 20. The picture says a million stories. I had my hair all hoisted up in ringlets around a gauze headband wearing some organic cotton skimpy camisole with gypsy tiered skirt and Birkenstocks standing outside of my red and white VW Microbus “Wolfgang”. I have a wicker basket held to my hip on one side containing my silk tie dye tshirts and curtains to hang up for the van. The door to the van is open so you can see the small kitchenette with water bucket and the couch/bed conversion covered with several tapestries strewn across it.

I am not having a midlife crisis.

Times were simpler then because I had less fears then. I wasn’t always triple guessing myself. I WAS ME. Not a concoction of my parents disappointments they had of their own lives. When they died, they gave me their fears.

Fuck that shit.

I figured out why I can’t decide where to settle in one place?

I like to keep going and doing. I don’t mind stopping for a little while, but for too long I get to feeling stagnant.

Carl Sagan once said about stars that when they run out of gas, they slow down, then die.

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Well…its time to get up off my booty and to do something about that.

So. I have made a decision. I’m saving up for a van/trailer conversion to move into. Then I can just go where I want to go when I want to go.

Don’t get me wrong, I am still considering a piece of P.O.S. land my partner and I can fix up for permanent roots… But at our own pace…not at the speed of light everyone expects us to run till burning out. There is a thin line between stagnation and exhaustion.

Hopefully we will have enough money for a van by the end of the year…then the conversion completed by the middle of next year. Then we can see the country on our own terms and decide what area looks best to plant roots as our home base while still doing the things we are doing now.

I am seriously considering the eventual purchase of a mobile home in either Idaho or Utah…on this day, Idaho is winning…it could change tomorrow.

This way we have a solid affordable home residency base of operations while still trundling around to other places for various conventions, fairs and gatherings between there and California.

I do not believe I will ever have a ‘brick and mortar’ shop location because I have seen the hardships, efforts and downfalls from many sources that this entails. I’m too crazy or shallow for that. Making art and going to different places to make money? That sounds more like me and my style.

So that’s the goal by 2022.

I see much saving pennies and temping in my future…


  1. Wild child spunkz on July 2, 2019 at 5:47 pm

    I really love how well written you wrote this and it totally speaks you!! And how much of a free spirited gypsy person you are and your struggles are real and you have Concord then I’m so proud of you and you have goals now and you also have found a life time of happiness with a partner and that melts my soul to see you so happy 🤩

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