*sigh*

This is going to be an exceptionally long rant…so.

*double sigh*

I have been getting comments as to my ‘attitude’ lately.

So I figured that it was high time I had this glorious opportunity and platform to vent my spleen. Here it goes.

I have been distant due to the fact that I am angry.

Overwhelmed and angry.

Yes. That’s right.

Just plain downright angry. I feel as though i am being used by many sources then spit back out and then they wonder why I get upset I’m not just giddy all the time.

🦇Firstly. I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT MY LIVING SITUATION. We moved to Corona 6 months ago against every fiber in my soul telling me that it was a bad idea to move – but once that ball went into motion plus thinking we were helping others? We should have stuck to our guns and taken care of ourselves instead…we moved 6 months ago and fought like cats n dogs through the entire process…

🦇Shortly thereafter secondly? lost my job of nine years. I might have hated my job? But it was mine to hate.

So yes. There have been feelings of being a failure. But I feel better more and more every day.

🦇I lost my health insurance…and I’m diabetic. This was scary for a while…but that’s been fixed.

🦇I have a dentist that says I need 10,000 dollars worth of work done…in my mouth. Ummm that’s a car. Then I find out that the medical insurance I thought I had which should have dental? Does not. Another drama.

🦇I have a fear of driving my car far distances. I have no problem driving rental cars? But when I drive my own car I begin to freak out that it may break down or may be stranded.

🦇My roommates have way too much stuff and its triggering me to the point of panic attacks due to claustrophobia.

You think I jest. I don’t. Store all boxes from floor to ceiling in several rooms. It’s no fault of theirs? But it’s just too much for me.

🦇My partner needs direction and steering. I love my partner I do. Sometimes though I can’t explain why i feel the way i feel – I just need a little more help and I am exhausted.

🦇I have been overwhelmed with all the projects that I need to finish to the point I just freeze and do nothing.

🦇I am terrified of death and EVERY time I get a twinge in my shoulder or boob… OMG!!! IS THIS IT?!? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Check the blood pressure

Check the blood sugar

Check the stress monitor on the phone app.

Did I take my pills???

…

I have seen several individuals cackk it lately at very young ages with strokes, heart attacks and all sorts of bad things. I wish not to be a statistic.

My goal is to live to 84. My grandmothers did. That’s the goal.

My mom died at 62

That’s way too young. She never checked her blood sugar and she blew it all off.

I’m not her.

Another goth influence passed this month. I did not know them well…if at all.

But they were 46 and had Congestive heart failure.

So yes I am currently freaky.

The Universe is trying to help me and I get that? But I would just like some calm and peace and my own place with my partner.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again. All I really want is to be a succesful writer with my partner in a place of our own with a Corgi named Awoo.

And live a long happy life together.

So. Rant done.

Thanks for reading.

Zenhugs.