So there have been moments when there have been people in my life that either:

Have done me wrong.

Hate my guts out of jealousy or spite or some devious type of revenge ploy on their part…

Have a really warped and twisted view on reality as to events from their dark and tawdry past in which they have to make themselves the shining hero or victim in their narrative to prove they are the “good guy” and I’m the evil hell bitch.

Here’s the truth.

I’m not a saint.

I’m not a liar either.

One of my curses is I’m truthful. People hate it when you put a mirror right up to their face and call them out on their truths that they don’t want to see.

If I’m done with someone? I just stop all forms of communication – ESPECIALLY if they hurt me.

There is NO way to fix a broken pot in my scenario. The water will still leak through no matter how much you try to patch it up.

Most people stop being friends with me or I stop being friends with them because SOMETHING happened. Here are some examples:

I find out they said shit about me.

They can’t hold their drugs and / or liquor and attack me: verbally or physically.

They fu*k with my family.

They fu*k around with my money.

They fu*k around with my reputation.

And if you are someone that has done two or more things on this list? I truly wish you gone.

I have played the “Bad guy” in so many scenarios with some people….I once thought I WAS the bad guy. I began to believe in the lie. So I began to revel in the role of villian. If THEY believe I’m bad I must be bad! That is a doorway for some serious Game of Thrones type scenarios there by the way. I can’t say I haven’t said some gossip or stabbed some people in the back, because that’s what villains do, right? But then it came to a point that I didn’t have to be in the same state or country and get blamed for things I wasn’t even involved in! I became this sponge of “Oh! It’s Pan’s fault!”

WTF?!?

I needed to figure this out.

So I spoke to a therapist. I told them my tale of never being the hero, always the bad guy.

Then my therapist said something BRILLIANT which I never thought before!

“Pan…you aren’t the bad guy, you just seem to be a Magnet for broken people!”

Holy shit.

That was deeply profound. So I made a list of people who wanted my head on a stick and realized….”Wow. They WERE broken!!!” And I would try to ‘fix them’. And I would be SO eager to be a helper and ‘be there’ for them….and then I would see the truth finally…and realize:

“You can never polish a jewel encrusted turd.”

Oh sure, you can pour glitter on it – spray gold paint on it…but at the end of the day, it’s still a jewel encrusted turd…taking your energy…stealing your shine.

So when I walk away from the jewel encrusted turd…they get angry….how dare I leave?!?!

So these last three years I have been purging my collection of jewel encrusted turds from my jewlery box to preserve and save the precious stones that really do matter in my life.

So where does the rage kick in?

Well, how would you feel when people you tried to help in their broken state you walk away from to heal yourself…blame YOU for their downfall? I know I shouldn’t give a damn…except when I hear how well they are doing … I should be happy for them…but remember when I said I’m not a saint?

When people have broken my soul and hurt me…why should they deserve to be successful?

Why should I even care?

I think what hurts is when I hear things about me being said by that broken source about what a bitch I am and that’s when the lies come out and a very stilted view of reality as they the hero and me the villian.

THAT’S WHEN THE RAGE COMES IN.

The classic Irish Tinker temper that wants to kick ass and take names – but why?

To quantify my self worth?

To be the hero in my own self narrative? Why? What does it prove?

There’s NO point. Life is too short for drama, chisme, scandal and manipulative ballyhoos.

They are not worth it.

But where do you put the rage? It has to go somewhere?

This is why I am a firm believer of RAGE ROOMS.

Go Axe throwing. Go to a rage room! Break some shit…release the energy…but in a safe contained space.

Breaking things (in a contained and safe environment) releases energy. It releases rage.

AFTER the rage? THEN you can go and work on your energy healing, hug a tree, suck a crystal (don’t really do that!), whatever hip and groovy thing that you usually do to get back to center.

But you need to release the anger, the rage…and you can’t do that sometimes with a crystal, a candle and joy joy feelings … nope nope nope

After breaking stuff say something like this:

“I return back to the Universe this rage that is no longer mine. Thank you for the life lesson. Thank you thank you thank you.”

I really help this helps you in some way…its helped me.

Zenhugz