Auntie Pan Pan’s Horrorscopes

March 15 – 22nd , 2019

Leo -My, you want the whole friggin world on a platter now, don’t you? Well babe, you have to give a little to get a little.

Virgo – I really don’t know why you have so many issues… Hell I’d even shag you if you didn’t brood so much. Scale the angst back a bit, okay?

Libra – Tolerance is not one of your strong suits. You hate stupid people and it is beginning to show in your work. RELAX.

Scorpio – Sex Sex Sex. And more SEX. This is the magic word for you. Well, let’s not fuck up a good thing, now, shall we?

Sagittarius – Are there wedding bells in your future? No? Shoot!!! Maybe it’s some sort of a merger then…keep me posted.

Capricorn – Okay. LIFE? Life is pain. I know this…but…why do you actually go out and search for it. Life is too short sweetie for the crap that you are facing by your own hand.

Aquarius – You are found wanting the entire world in the palm of your hand. However. The fruitful life is not going to just fall into your lap. Sorry. Not sorry. You have to work at it.

Pisces – I know you are hurting. but you really do need to go out more. SERIOUSLY. I mean it. Stop dwelling on the past, then you can move the hell on.

Aries – Okay, it’s all clear to me now. Go out and rut like a wild weasle in heat if you must – Lust seems to be the one thing right now that you can understand. I guess it’s the one thing that keeps you going because you just don’t have to think about it. Watch out of unexpecting locker room doors hitting you in the face or head.

Gemini – I hope you are keeping track of who you are having an affair with. I would hate to see their names on the flowers you sent them accidentally switched. You had better pray that the one affair never meets the other.

The Crab (Moon children)
All I can say to you this week is to stop whining! It is getting old way too fast for all your friends…other than that? you have fabulous fashion sense.